Journal

Sunday March 6, 2011

I woke up early. Only got about 4 hours of sleep. Hopefully that's not a recipe for disaster. I wish I could work overtime and I wish that work didn't overpower my life & thoughts. Especially my thoughts. It does though. At times it's not so bad. But other times it's like, "come on!'

A lot of people I meet at the hospital are at the final stages of their life. One thing I came to realize over the years is that death and life, although glorious at times, can also be very normal even close to mundane things. Like when nana died, there was a big part of me that believed that before he died he would become conscious, speak some amazing words and then depart. I think I was expecting that so much that I believed he would not die, Allah would not take him away, until this was done. Sadly it kinda made me take the time I was at his bedside for granted. I don't think I was 100% aware or fully believed he was dying. And when he did pass, it was so simple that it shook me to the core. Walking into his room, he was gone and I, for some reason, could not believe it. It literally shook me to my core because I couldn't believe he just left. Without a word. Without waking up. Without me being there. It made me realize that not everything happens like it does in the movies. That's what makes life, life and death, death. There can be times when it is very dramatic. Sometimes I think that's all people expect. They expect the drama so much that they get upset when things are normal. I bet religion can be put the same way. Although it is very much spiritual and absolutely amazing, it teaches us how to live an ordinary normal life. It is quite fulfilling but at the same time it is also very normal. And people can get upset or maybe disappointed at the normal. Because their expectations were so much more.

Entertaining.

I like being entertained. Who doesn’t? A bunch of people freezing in time to throw a bunch of passerbys at a train station off? Classic. Telling a crazy lady you’re a doctor when you’re not? Funny. Walking past that lady while she screams “Doctor! Doctor!” while you have a confused look on your face? Kinda mean but still nonetheless, HILARIOUS.

Entertainment is what it is. Another thing that it happens to be is temporary and pointless. Sure you can chuckle and laugh hysterically but once that YouTube clip is done, you're there sitting by yourself. Kinda lonely, isn’t it?

Entertaining things are captivating but can also become a waste of time. A lot of people get sucked into being entertained so much that when they aren’t visually stimulated they get bored. It’s funny because a lot of it involves sitting on your ass. One of my many talents might I add.

One of the problems I have is finding joy in entertainment. Sure I can watch a TV series because I’m curious to know what happens next but after I do I’m always like “What a fucking waste.” Tell me I’m alone in this.

There are very few things I actually find joy in. I don’t have hobbies (well not true if that includes sitting on my bum). I work at a job I don’t particularly like (loathe is the better word). And though I thank the Big Guy upstairs for not having petty drama, I don’t have much of a social life.

Are these the things that bring people joy? Happiness? Because if it is well then that just effing pathetic. Some Greek geezer said that man’s purpose in life is the pursuit of happiness. While I don’t think this is the main purpose (stupid geezer) I think it has some truth in it. I don’t see any happy people being suicidal or dropping dead so, yeah I agree partially.

I find myself constantly thanking God for not having problems because I know what it’s like to be in serious shit. Not fun at all. But I also constantly find myself asking is it what it really boils down to? Being completely miserable or bored? What about the freakin joy, experiencing life, taking life by the horns and and and…doing something with the damn horns.

I wanna be productive and do something…can’t believe I’m saying this…that will change the world for the better. Ugh. I know I have an idealistic mindset. Well forgive me for thinking that this world can be a place of rainbows and dinosaur sized unicorns that burp skittles, I haven’t lost complete vision of dreams.

What I’m trying to say is that I could care less about the number of friends I have if all they’re going to do is keep me ENTERTAINED. And while we’re on the subject I’m effing sick of eating out! Damn it. I hate wasting money on crap I can make at home. And if we’re being frank, I’m also sick of hearing about who’s doing what or who-I DON’T CARE.

Not that I’m starting a charity or anything but what about all of this other shit that matters? I don’t even know about half the issues that do need helping (way to prepare yourself, idiot) but just because I don’t know doesn’t mean I’m not willing to learn.

I just wanna feel useful and find joy in doing something useful. I feel like a waste of space and I’m bored with it. And I’m tired of drowning boredom with episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and Revenge.

I understand that it might be easier to think about getting off your arse than actually physically lifting an ass cheek.

I observe things a lot. What can I say? I'm like a hawk in the sky waiting to swoop down and tell you you're being watched while your checking your nose in the mirror for boogers... I'm also a bit odd--but this post isn't about that.

I, like the rest of you out there, have conversations in my head about scenarios that will probably never happen. But trust me I understand how good it feels telling that annoying girl off or coming up with a witty comeback to a conversation you had 4 hours ago. It's just too bad that some of those scenarios in our little heads can't be reality. Or are they in some sense--reality? Now, what I'm about to say may come as a shock to some of you. Ready? Ok (Gimme an A! No? Fine.). You are the only person that can hear your own thoughts. Wow. What an epiphany. Unfortunately, to my knowledge at least, the only mind-reading occurring anywhere is in X-Men with the creepy old guy in the wheelchair. He always has those annoying headaches. It's like man up!

The point is, so many of us are obsessed with the little thoughts in our own heads or worrying about the thoughts in other peoples' heads that that's what we're too busy doing. Living in our thoughts. How many of us can say we haven't been preoccupied in our thoughts so much so that there are times we don't know how we got to our doorstep because we don't remember the drive home? Or what about the times you don't hear a word of what's said during conversations or classroom lectures because you're too busy thinking about something else?

A problem my fellow humans have today is avoiding the stark reality that is in front of our eyes. Instead of facing the enormous whale-shit of problems we have, we just avoid them by living in fantasy worlds like twitter, facebook and "other" sites. We create these places partly because it's easier to stalk people and they're addictive but the other part is probably because we want to create imaginary worlds where things aren't as hard and doesn't require much effort. And to believe these sites weren't here 10-15 years ago. We had TV to drown our emotions and lives back then.

Gosh. I guess what I'm trying to say is our reality, this very life, is there right in front of us and too many of us are missing out. Myself included. We're missing out because life can be discouraging and downright unbearable at times and that in itself is enough to make many of us quit and/or use unhealthy coping mechanisms like living in our imaginations rather than in reality.

An important lesson my parents have taught me throughout life is that someone, somewhere, out there has it way worse than you and me. It's true. It might not seem true. You just have to look for them. Track them down. Ask them to tell you how shitty it's been for them. Go ahead. It'll make yourself feel better. Either that or make you feel like your not alone on Crappydayweekandevenmonth Island.

Don't let the discouraging parts discourage you. Easier said than done. Easier to read than actually apply. But trust me you don't want to grow old to live with regret of not enjoying the time you had because you were to preoccupied with other things like your thoughts and things that don't matter. A lot of those people exist out there.

So now comes the advice. Get your ass up from your computer. Have a conversation (at least one for starters) with a person and give them your undivided attention. Look at their body language, listen to the tone of their voice, the expressions on their face. Oh and make sure this convo is with someone who isn't monotone or someone that is meaningless or annoys you. Call your Mom and Dad and tell them you love them (because who else, honestly, is worthy of it? And damn it, you better mean it).

That's all the thoughts I have for now. For anyone reading out there. HELLOOOO.

I think I just heard an echo.

Happily Ever After is a Load of Bull.

Why do seasonal allergies have to be seasonal? Seriously? Why do I only have itchy eyes and an unbelievably runny nose when it gets warm? Why can't I have it all year round (you know because I love it so much)?!

So marriage has been a very popular topic around my household and the world lately. It is wedding season after all. I've been studying some relationships of some married couples around me. And it's been pretty amusing. A lot of them can be labeled. I hate labels as much as the other guy. But hey it makes things more organized and neater. And Lawd knows I do love me some neat stuff. I've listed some categories couples might fit into. Note: these are extreme versions but are nonetheless present in the world of married couples.


The "Rich" Couple
Everybody and their Momma is jealous of this couple. I mean who cares if the flowers at the wedding cost more than your house, your car, and practically everything you own, it looks pretty. And oh the engagement ring, yeah the one that's the size of a baby's head, yeah you better believe that ring pop err.. i mean diamond is real. And I don't blame the fiance for accidentally stomping on his fiance's foot and pushing her into a swimming pool he was only trying to save the wedding cake he spent a crap-load of money on from falling off a table. Image is everything to this couple. They might not care too much about one another but as long as they look good and make everyone around them green with envy, that's all that matters.

The "Traditional" Couple
Oh this is the couple that thinks they're right and the rest of the world is wrong. Good luck with these folks. Their way is for everyone and I mean EVERYONE. Who cares if the man doesn't know how to change a diaper or never wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, that's the Momma's job. Why can't everyone just understand that? Rules are rules are rules and the world would be such a better place if everyone would just follow them.

The "all we need is each other" couple
This couple is all about sacrifice. And when I say "sacrifice" I mean sacrificing the rest of the world. I'm gonna stop talking to my mom, dad, sisters, brothers, mailman, the Rite Aid cashier, and the stray cat in the backyard because they're all just trying to break us up. All we need in this world is each other.

The "love is the only factor in our marriage" couple
Let's face it, a marriage may require love but that's not the sole factor in making it last. Love isn't going to pay your bills or fix the leaky faucet. This one may be mistaken or comparable to "lust is what brought us together & now we're stuck" couple. And FYI looks fade so if that played any role in falling in love or lust, you're in for a rude and receding hairline awakening.

The dependent/needy partner couple
This type of couple annoys me A LOT. I don't even feel like describing them because they're that annoying.

The "I'm more into my kids than myself" couple
Now this couple I have a decent amount of respect for. This couple also sacrificed a lot for what they believed to be a praiseworthy cause. You can't blame them for not knowing that the little rugrats they refer to as "the apple" of their eye would become teenagers who cause havoc with sprinkles of disrespect. Those ingrates. The kids will most likely not realize or care that you won "class beauty" for your high school mock elections or the fact that you used to be a size 0. The only thing your left with by the time they're gone is bills, extra fat, and wrinkles.





Ahh marriage is great. Makes me want to run to the alter this very second.

Sometimes I wish I weren't sooo responsible. Like I did things and just didn't care or analyze the consequences or think about the people it would effect.

Being thoughtful sucks.

French Fry

I hate when I lose things. Anything. I hate it. I hate it even more when I don't find the things I've lost. And I've noticed that I have a harder time accepting the fact that sometimes, the things lost will never ever return to the place they once were.

Sometimes I just get passive about the lost things in life. Its not like I really have any control over it. Then this little voice in my head comes in and tells me that I do. I do have control over a lot of it. And when that little voice gets started, it's hard to shut it up.

"What ifs" become common. And that's a path no one should ever take. So some sincere advice to any of you readers out there, never do it.

I've lost a lot of things recently and quite frankly, it hasn't bothered me much. And it's ironic that this one thing that I've lost, this time around, is really having an impact on me. It's ironic because the lost object is the size of a small french fry. And I feel like I'm grieving a lot over it. While the other things, the more important and grandeur things, have not been grieved over much less thought about.

Now at this point, I would think that I'm kinda crazy. I am. Everyone is a little crazy in my opinion, but that's a whole other blog post. But anyway I think this small object represents something more. Well, doesn't it? Isn't it ironic that the big things received little attention while the small thing is really bothering me? Its like the tip of the iceberg. I've been avoiding dealing with the big things that something like the "french fry" is kinda pushing me over the edge.

The thing is, I'm scared to confront the big things. I want to avoid it because things could potentially get ugly. And craazy.

Another thing is the "french fry" wasn't my thing to lose. And it was much more important to other people than it was to me. And "sorry" isn't cutting it. It's not working guys. An apology isn't enough.

I'm flipping the world upside down in search of French Fry. No crevice will be spared. I think I'm failing to realize that French Fry isn't coming back. And once the realization hits me, I'll go back to Avoidingville.

I hope by the time they figure me out, I'm long gone.

I'm surprised they haven't fired me yet!

I work at a hospital. I have to be there really early. Sometimes the worst of me gets the best of me and without any self control I hear myself dialing the phone to call in sick. AHHH! It's become a really bad habit. I've done it twice this month already. It's not like I even work full-time there either! I work about 5 times a month and if you do your math, I've only worked three times this month. THREE TIMES! I have no self-control. Usually I try making myself feel better by saying "you have the rest of your life to work, take some time off and relax". The sad thing is I don't ever feel bad for calling off. I feel REAL good and secretly laugh at the people that are stuck at work while I sit here sitting on my arse.

Trust me, it's not like I don't need the money. I do. DESPERATELY. I just paid off my tuition and looked at my online bank statement and nearly flipped my seat over. "$___.92??!!!" I'm in trouble. I just don't know it yet.

I think I'm braver when I'm in a semi-comatose state. I would never have the cojones to call in while fully awake. I'd suck it up and just go. But when I'm half asleep anything can happen. My family actually gets scared sometimes because I can turn into a monster. A real monster.

I am a monster.